1 00:00:05,271 --> 00:00:07,740 Today, I'm proud to celebrate the opening 2 00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:09,575 of a thing I never heard of- 3 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:12,478 a freeway wildlife crossing. 4 00:00:12,479 --> 00:00:14,581 Now here is the little girl whose pestering 5 00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:17,716 has made this whatever-this-is a reality, 6 00:00:17,752 --> 00:00:19,551 Lisa Simpson. 7 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:22,554 This land bridge will allow animals to migrate safely 8 00:00:22,555 --> 00:00:24,891 and end the collisions that have turned our freeways 9 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:27,493 into a carcass-ridden hellscape. 10 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,495 [cheering] 11 00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,531 [animals chittering, huffing] 12 00:00:33,768 --> 00:00:36,602 [gasps] That's it, furry friends. 13 00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:38,838 Migrate wherever your little paws, hooves, 14 00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:40,906 and trotters wish to take you. 15 00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:48,647 [gasping] 16 00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:51,617 They're headed towards the pharmaceutical factory. 17 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,585 [heavy metal music playing] 18 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:55,611 -[animals bellowing] -[exclaiming] 19 00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,723 ? Bobcats on drugs ? 20 00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,892 ? Frogs on drugs ? 21 00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:01,794 ? Coyotes on drugs ? 22 00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:05,864 ? Deer on drugs...! ? 23 00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,636 This is your crane on drugs. 24 00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:13,605 The wildlife of Springfield has gone on a bad trip, 25 00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:16,742 gobbling up several tons of psychiatric medication. 26 00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:18,644 Snakes on antipsychotics 27 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,813 are befriending rats on Zoloft. 28 00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,515 Beavers on beta-blockers are building dams 29 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,818 without their usual performance anxiety. 30 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,854 Turtles tweaking on Adderall are racing past 31 00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:31,490 chilled-out rabbits on Klonopin. 32 00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:32,891 Look at those turtles go. 33 00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:34,726 America's back, baby. 34 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,495 Dad, watch the road. 35 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:37,663 Oh, right. Driving. 36 00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:38,965 Okay, boy, you know the drill. 37 00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:40,956 I can't get sucked into a conversation 38 00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:42,768 with Milhouse's loser dad, 39 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,736 so you need to bail out of the car 40 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,939 without me coming to a full stop. 41 00:01:47,660 --> 00:01:49,709 Don't push me. 42 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,677 I'm trying to time my jump. 43 00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,645 -Love you, bud. -[grunts] 44 00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:56,949 Aah! 45 00:01:58,586 --> 00:01:59,651 Hey, buddy. 46 00:01:59,652 --> 00:02:01,721 Come check out this new sprinkler I bought. 47 00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:04,756 360 rotation, my friend. 48 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:05,858 [sighs] 49 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,495 Stuck at 90? 50 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,630 It was doing it this morning, I swear. 51 00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:12,715 [rumbling] 52 00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:15,834 [screaming] 53 00:02:15,870 --> 00:02:17,870 Get in here or you'll be trampled. 54 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,838 Trampled, eh? 55 00:02:19,874 --> 00:02:22,474 Death or Kirk? 56 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:23,510 Death? 57 00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:24,511 Or Kirk? 58 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,512 Death it is. 59 00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:26,513 [grunts] 60 00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:27,613 ? ? 61 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:30,616 Due to this tragic and not-at-all-my-fault stampede 62 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:31,917 of hopped-up wildlife, 63 00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:35,521 all citizens are required to shelter in place, 64 00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:38,724 at least until the badgers come down from the Ritalin. 65 00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:41,760 [singsongy] Looks like we're having a sleepover. 66 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,862 Boys' night! 67 00:02:43,898 --> 00:02:45,631 -Yay! -Yay! 68 00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:46,666 [door closes] 69 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,900 Nay. 70 00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:50,836 Hope everyone's hungry for spaghetti. 71 00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:52,504 -Mmm! -Mmm! 72 00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:53,739 And to wash it down, 73 00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:54,940 the pasta water. 74 00:02:56,911 --> 00:02:58,977 [both groaning] 75 00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,813 You drink the water you boil the noodles in? 76 00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:02,948 Doesn't everyone? 77 00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:04,917 It's got all the nutrients. 78 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,686 I love my noody juice. 79 00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:08,820 This family sucks. 80 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:11,557 Everything they do is different and wrong. 81 00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:14,526 May I be excused to go to the bathroom? 82 00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:16,662 Do you need to winkle or make? 83 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:17,863 -Ew! -Ew! 84 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,731 [Barney grunts softly] 85 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,600 [bear chuffs, moans] 86 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:22,801 [bellows softly] 87 00:03:22,802 --> 00:03:24,571 [man with Russian accent] Today I show you how to 88 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,872 restore full rotation on sprinkler head. 89 00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:29,541 Step one, remove splash plate. 90 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,710 Why aren't you sleeping in your bedroom? 91 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,812 Oh, Luann won't let me sleep in our bed 92 00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:35,949 'cause of my night sweats and night farting 93 00:03:35,950 --> 00:03:38,817 and also something I'm too embarrassed to talk about. 94 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,552 Uh-huh. 95 00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:41,921 Can I get one of those saltines? 96 00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,622 Have a whole sleeve. 97 00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:46,759 I get a five percent employee discount at the cracker factory. 98 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,728 I took that in lieu of the pension. [chuckles] 99 00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:52,532 Marge won't let me eat crackers in bed 100 00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:53,933 because it makes the bed all crumby. 101 00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:55,734 Oh, man. That's how it starts. 102 00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:58,004 Next thing you know, you can't even take your socks off 103 00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,738 in your own house. 104 00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,508 [Luann] Kirk! Socks! 105 00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:04,643 Mm... 106 00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,939 Well, it's been really great having you guys. 107 00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:13,685 We'll finish the jigsaw puzzle next time. 108 00:04:13,686 --> 00:04:14,954 -[engine revving] -We-we got the corners. 109 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,555 That's the hard part! 110 00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:20,559 Oh, great. Now it does a full rotation. 111 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,695 And they say "winkle" instead of "whiz." 112 00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:24,930 Who says "winkle"? 113 00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:27,466 We should. I think it's cute. 114 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:28,867 Winkle. [chuckling] 115 00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:29,952 [doorbell rings] 116 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,805 Oh, no, it's him. I'm not here. 117 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,944 Oh, hi, Kirk. Are you okay? 118 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,513 You're not looking your most, um... 119 00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:42,614 sheveled. 120 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:43,983 Uh, that's because I haven't slept in a week. 121 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,952 I couldn't stop thinking about how cracker crumbs 122 00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,653 are destroying your marital bed. 123 00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:48,954 Who told you that? 124 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,859 -Not me. -Hey, buddy. I kept wondering 125 00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:52,759 about how I could save your sexless marriage. 126 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,927 And then some teens dropped candy apples on my car 127 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:55,978 from an overpass. 128 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,796 They weren't all teens. 129 00:04:57,831 --> 00:04:58,964 I mean, tell us more. 130 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,566 When the apples hit my windshield, 131 00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:02,434 the glass cracked like a spiderweb 132 00:05:02,435 --> 00:05:03,803 but didn't spray any shards. 133 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,538 And that is when I had an epiphany- 134 00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:08,674 I could use that same technology to make a crumbless cracker. 135 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:09,841 A crumbless cracker? 136 00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:11,510 That's madness. 137 00:05:11,511 --> 00:05:13,646 All I had to do was create a new edible polymer 138 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,881 and a mouth-safe adhesive. 139 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:17,582 And after working on that for 96 hours straight, 140 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:20,686 I came up with this. 141 00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:22,454 Take a bite, buddy. 142 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:23,889 ? ? 143 00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:35,767 [muffled] It broke clean. 144 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,606 Kirk Van Houten, 145 00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,642 you did something incredible. 146 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:44,727 No, Homer. 147 00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:47,446 We did something incredible. 148 00:05:52,001 --> 00:05:54,169 [muffled] This is big, man. 149 00:05:54,170 --> 00:05:55,271 [clearly] It's just hard to wrap my head around 150 00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,240 the idea of a cracker that doesn't crumb 151 00:05:57,241 --> 00:05:58,561 and a you that doesn't suck. 152 00:06:02,513 --> 00:06:05,414 Oh, yeah, I-I used to suck pretty hard, yeah. 153 00:06:05,415 --> 00:06:08,117 But you brought me out of it with your brilliant insight. 154 00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:11,219 And now- now I need you to take a leap of faith. 155 00:06:11,255 --> 00:06:12,387 I do like faith. 156 00:06:12,423 --> 00:06:15,157 It is the best way to get out of thinking about stuff. 157 00:06:15,192 --> 00:06:17,292 Quit your job and partner with me 158 00:06:17,327 --> 00:06:20,395 in a new, cutting-edge cracker company. 159 00:06:20,431 --> 00:06:21,481 Homer? 160 00:06:21,498 --> 00:06:23,532 A cracker bro? 161 00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:25,333 Let's take a walk. 162 00:06:25,369 --> 00:06:27,402 Picture something for me. 163 00:06:27,438 --> 00:06:29,204 Imagine this street 164 00:06:29,239 --> 00:06:31,473 is your whole life. 165 00:06:31,508 --> 00:06:33,175 Whoa. 166 00:06:34,344 --> 00:06:36,144 For a while, your existence 167 00:06:36,180 --> 00:06:38,113 was pretty good. 168 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,348 But then things got hard 169 00:06:39,349 --> 00:06:42,250 and life's crackers began to shower you 170 00:06:42,286 --> 00:06:44,453 with their crumbs. 171 00:06:45,522 --> 00:06:47,289 The job. 172 00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:48,423 The boy. 173 00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:51,093 The hair! 174 00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:55,230 All those crumbs you endured were worth it, 175 00:06:55,265 --> 00:06:56,465 because they led you 176 00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:59,201 to a different path. 177 00:07:02,206 --> 00:07:04,473 And after we walk it, you're gonna be a hero 178 00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:06,074 to your family... 179 00:07:06,110 --> 00:07:08,110 and to the world. 180 00:07:08,111 --> 00:07:09,579 I want to share this journey with you 181 00:07:09,580 --> 00:07:12,447 because you're a good man. 182 00:07:12,483 --> 00:07:14,216 I love you. 183 00:07:14,251 --> 00:07:16,118 I love you, too. 184 00:07:16,153 --> 00:07:18,320 Tell me, do you dare wipe away 185 00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:21,256 these starchy particles of shame? 186 00:07:24,595 --> 00:07:26,528 Homer, will you join me 187 00:07:26,563 --> 00:07:29,097 down this unknown road? 188 00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:32,501 I just have one question. 189 00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,102 If there's no crumbs, 190 00:07:34,138 --> 00:07:36,104 what's that on your shirt? 191 00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:37,405 Dandruff. 192 00:07:37,441 --> 00:07:38,540 I'm in. 193 00:07:40,577 --> 00:07:42,577 Excuse me, sir, 194 00:07:42,613 --> 00:07:45,514 would you like to taste the future of bland food? 195 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,284 Mmm! Not bad. 196 00:07:49,319 --> 00:07:50,519 And no crumbs. 197 00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:53,255 Tonight I'm gonna have the cleanest beard 198 00:07:53,290 --> 00:07:55,423 at the botched meth handoff. 199 00:07:56,627 --> 00:07:59,161 Sisters, you got to try these. 200 00:08:00,330 --> 00:08:02,531 Mmm, and no crumbs. 201 00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:06,234 It's a crispy habit that won't mess up your habit. 202 00:08:06,270 --> 00:08:07,536 [all] It's a miracle. 203 00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:09,304 ? ? 204 00:08:09,339 --> 00:08:11,506 Listen up, toilet paper hoarders 205 00:08:11,542 --> 00:08:13,508 and hot dog cheapskates. 206 00:08:13,544 --> 00:08:16,244 The cracker revolution is here. 207 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:18,180 [cheering] 208 00:08:19,149 --> 00:08:21,249 Yums, not crumbs. 209 00:08:21,285 --> 00:08:23,251 Yums, not crumbs. 210 00:08:23,287 --> 00:08:25,253 [all chanting] Yums, not crumbs! 211 00:08:25,289 --> 00:08:27,222 Yums, not crumbs! 212 00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,456 It's happening. 213 00:08:28,492 --> 00:08:29,542 [grunts] 214 00:08:31,195 --> 00:08:32,460 [gasping, murmuring] 215 00:08:32,496 --> 00:08:34,429 Um, Kirk, as your doctor, 216 00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:36,432 I am deeply concerned by your behavior. 217 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:39,201 [chuckles] I left you a message regarding your- 218 00:08:39,236 --> 00:08:40,286 Not now, Doc. 219 00:08:40,304 --> 00:08:42,337 I've got to change the world. 220 00:08:42,372 --> 00:08:44,439 And no crumbs. 221 00:08:44,474 --> 00:08:46,608 [cheering] 222 00:08:46,643 --> 00:08:48,510 ? ? 223 00:08:54,484 --> 00:08:55,550 Good news. 224 00:08:55,586 --> 00:08:58,353 Delta Airlines just ordered cracker sleeves 225 00:08:58,388 --> 00:09:00,255 for their entire fleet. 226 00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,290 Going crumbless is gonna save them 227 00:09:02,326 --> 00:09:05,193 $1.5 million a day 228 00:09:05,229 --> 00:09:06,328 in cleaning costs. 229 00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:07,529 [all exclaiming] 230 00:09:07,564 --> 00:09:09,130 Uh, gar�on, 231 00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:11,367 how much is your most expensive bottle of wine? 232 00:09:11,368 --> 00:09:12,401 Forty bucks. 233 00:09:12,402 --> 00:09:14,135 Snoopy's on the bottle. 234 00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:16,172 Aw, that's not good enough for my friends. 235 00:09:16,173 --> 00:09:19,507 Which is why I bought this $15,000 bottle 236 00:09:19,543 --> 00:09:21,343 at auction. 237 00:09:21,378 --> 00:09:23,111 [gasping] 238 00:09:23,112 --> 00:09:25,414 Uh, sweetheart, isn't that a little pricey? 239 00:09:25,415 --> 00:09:26,616 Honey, if there's one thing I know, 240 00:09:26,617 --> 00:09:29,217 it's that there will always be enough money 241 00:09:29,253 --> 00:09:31,419 for everything forever. 242 00:09:31,455 --> 00:09:35,090 We are eternity! 243 00:09:35,125 --> 00:09:37,292 Nothing goes away. 244 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,230 Dad, you're being a little weird. 245 00:09:42,266 --> 00:09:44,399 Oh, Milhouse, you're so wise. 246 00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:45,484 And, Luann, 247 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:48,169 you're just so freakin' hot. 248 00:09:48,205 --> 00:09:50,305 I wish I was that lobster bib, 249 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:53,575 just so damp and all over you. 250 00:09:53,610 --> 00:09:55,510 Does Kirk seem a little... 251 00:09:55,545 --> 00:09:57,279 bejazzled? 252 00:09:57,314 --> 00:10:00,448 Shh, we're missing his brilliant insights. 253 00:10:00,484 --> 00:10:02,384 Oh, I just love the feeling 254 00:10:02,419 --> 00:10:04,586 of your sweat touching my sweat. 255 00:10:04,621 --> 00:10:07,188 Mmm... 256 00:10:07,224 --> 00:10:08,323 Ooh. Ooh, yeah. 257 00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,258 Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. 258 00:10:10,259 --> 00:10:12,228 Oh, let me get a better look at you, baby. 259 00:10:12,229 --> 00:10:13,279 Come here. Come here. 260 00:10:14,498 --> 00:10:17,132 -Be careful. -[gasps] Honey, please. 261 00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:19,601 Oh, come on, baby. Shake your Milhouse-maker. 262 00:10:19,636 --> 00:10:21,569 I want to bang 263 00:10:21,605 --> 00:10:24,606 the whole world! 264 00:10:24,641 --> 00:10:27,142 Sixteen, 17, 265 00:10:27,177 --> 00:10:28,576 18, 19... 266 00:10:28,612 --> 00:10:30,378 Amazing. 267 00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:32,615 I don't know what's happening with Mr. Van Houten. 268 00:10:32,616 --> 00:10:34,416 It's like he's on something. 269 00:10:34,451 --> 00:10:36,418 More like he's off something. 270 00:10:36,453 --> 00:10:39,254 You see, Kirk suffers from bipolar disorder. 271 00:10:39,255 --> 00:10:40,389 And he ran out of his meds 272 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:41,590 during the pharmaceutical shortage 273 00:10:41,591 --> 00:10:45,193 caused by that horribly ill-advised wildlife crossing. 274 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:46,494 [groaning softly] 275 00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:48,363 And when the drug supply returned, 276 00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,265 Kirk refused to go back on his meds 277 00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:53,635 because he felt like, quote, "Superman surfing a hurricane." 278 00:10:53,670 --> 00:10:57,505 I'm afraid your friend is now well into a manic phase. 279 00:10:57,541 --> 00:10:59,307 Um, Dr. Hibbert, 280 00:10:59,343 --> 00:11:01,343 should you be telling us all this? 281 00:11:01,378 --> 00:11:02,510 Probably not. 282 00:11:02,546 --> 00:11:05,347 But I just had five mac and cheese ball martinis. 283 00:11:05,382 --> 00:11:07,552 I guess doctor-patient confidentiality 284 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:10,385 doesn't stand a chance against deep-fried gin. 285 00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,153 [giggles] 286 00:11:12,189 --> 00:11:13,421 I feel terrible. 287 00:11:13,457 --> 00:11:16,324 He needs to get back on his medication. 288 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,393 Kirk has a serious illness. 289 00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:22,263 Marge, you just had a $3,000 glass of wine. 290 00:11:22,299 --> 00:11:24,199 How is that an illness? 291 00:11:24,234 --> 00:11:25,467 Yeah, Kirk rules. 292 00:11:25,468 --> 00:11:27,536 He's like the Joker in those awesome Batman movies 293 00:11:27,537 --> 00:11:29,137 where there's no Batman. 294 00:11:29,172 --> 00:11:30,538 According to the DSM-5, 295 00:11:30,574 --> 00:11:32,374 bipolar disorder type I 296 00:11:32,409 --> 00:11:34,509 causes periods of up, elated behavior 297 00:11:34,544 --> 00:11:38,179 followed by down periods of despair and hopelessness. 298 00:11:38,215 --> 00:11:39,314 Guys, wait up! 299 00:11:39,349 --> 00:11:41,149 I need to tell you something. 300 00:11:42,185 --> 00:11:44,219 Thank you for coming, buddy. 301 00:11:44,254 --> 00:11:45,884 [grunts] Really appreciate it. 302 00:11:47,357 --> 00:11:50,225 I don't even live in this direction! [laughs] 303 00:11:54,531 --> 00:11:56,197 Hi, Luann. 304 00:11:56,233 --> 00:11:59,467 I wanted to talk about Kirk's behavior last night. 305 00:11:59,503 --> 00:12:01,403 It seemed a little, uh, 306 00:12:01,438 --> 00:12:03,171 unmedicated? 307 00:12:03,206 --> 00:12:05,240 Oh, right. Kirk's "disorder." 308 00:12:05,241 --> 00:12:06,575 It turns out there's a cure- 309 00:12:06,576 --> 00:12:08,376 money. 310 00:12:08,412 --> 00:12:10,311 That'll be all, Cashington. 311 00:12:10,347 --> 00:12:12,280 But aren't you worried that- 312 00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:15,150 That I won't be able to keep him sexually satisfied? 313 00:12:15,185 --> 00:12:16,284 Of course I am. 314 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:18,453 We've made love four times today. 315 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:22,257 Five, if you count the time he took me at Panera Bread. 316 00:12:22,292 --> 00:12:24,225 Why wouldn't you count that one? 317 00:12:24,261 --> 00:12:26,294 Listen, Marge, I know you're only here 318 00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,229 because you want to sleep with Kirk. 319 00:12:28,265 --> 00:12:29,597 I do not. 320 00:12:29,633 --> 00:12:32,567 Really? He just became a minority owner 321 00:12:32,602 --> 00:12:34,402 of the Calgary Flames. 322 00:12:34,438 --> 00:12:36,404 They haven't been good for years. 323 00:12:36,405 --> 00:12:37,640 Aren't you at least worried 324 00:12:37,641 --> 00:12:40,408 about how this could affect Milhouse? 325 00:12:40,444 --> 00:12:41,576 Look at me. 326 00:12:41,611 --> 00:12:43,311 I'm Daddy. 327 00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,579 [grunting] 328 00:12:44,580 --> 00:12:45,648 -[crash] -[glass shatters] 329 00:12:45,649 --> 00:12:47,283 [short chuckle] That's going to be 330 00:12:47,284 --> 00:12:49,150 the boarding school's problem. 331 00:12:49,151 --> 00:12:50,419 [host] You're watching CNBC: 332 00:12:50,420 --> 00:12:53,254 The Crackers, Nothing But Crackers Network. 333 00:12:53,290 --> 00:12:54,489 I'm Harper Poppyseed, 334 00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,192 -and this is Crunchtime Live. -[crunch] 335 00:12:57,193 --> 00:13:00,262 Today, we talk with the genius behind the crumbless cracker, 336 00:13:00,263 --> 00:13:03,298 Kirk Van Houten, and his cofounder, Homer Simpson. 337 00:13:03,333 --> 00:13:06,167 Your Kirkers brand now controls six percent 338 00:13:06,168 --> 00:13:07,436 of the national saltine market. 339 00:13:07,437 --> 00:13:09,247 What are your plans for expansion? 340 00:13:09,248 --> 00:13:10,573 We don't have a plan for expansion. 341 00:13:10,574 --> 00:13:12,373 We have a plan for domination. 342 00:13:12,409 --> 00:13:14,409 I eat skyscrapers. 343 00:13:14,444 --> 00:13:16,411 Um, what my colleague is saying 344 00:13:16,446 --> 00:13:19,314 is that we have a plan for measured, steady growth. 345 00:13:19,349 --> 00:13:21,516 What is this thing? I hate it. 346 00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,284 Do you mean the stock ticker? 347 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,253 Oh, look, it's Cheez-Its. 348 00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:28,289 Oh, those cheddar chumps turned me down for a job 349 00:13:28,325 --> 00:13:29,375 seven years ago. 350 00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:30,392 Hey, 'Zits. 351 00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:32,227 Tell me how my butt tastes. 352 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,529 Well, that's all the time we have. 353 00:13:33,530 --> 00:13:34,610 Thanks for joining us. 354 00:13:34,631 --> 00:13:37,365 Mr. Van Houten, your competitors say your product 355 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,600 is not all it's cracked- 356 00:13:38,601 --> 00:13:40,469 Are we really gonna talk about crackers 357 00:13:40,470 --> 00:13:42,638 when humanity is on the verge of extinction 358 00:13:42,639 --> 00:13:45,573 and I am the only one who can save us? 359 00:13:45,609 --> 00:13:47,308 [chuckles softly] Excuse me? 360 00:13:47,309 --> 00:13:49,545 Once temperatures on the Earth's surface become lethal, 361 00:13:49,546 --> 00:13:52,447 we need to transport citizens to the ocean floor 362 00:13:52,482 --> 00:13:54,482 using a high-speed aquatic rocket. 363 00:13:54,518 --> 00:13:56,417 Oh. Oh, my God. 364 00:13:56,453 --> 00:13:59,554 Mr. Van Houten, your stock has plummeted over 60% 365 00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:01,289 since the start of our interview. 366 00:14:01,324 --> 00:14:03,358 And humanity needs to plummet 367 00:14:03,393 --> 00:14:06,361 2,000 fathoms to the ocean floor. 368 00:14:06,396 --> 00:14:09,130 Fund the Aqua Rocket now! 369 00:14:09,165 --> 00:14:11,533 Oh. It's no longer safe for me to be here. 370 00:14:11,568 --> 00:14:13,268 [yells, grunts] 371 00:14:13,303 --> 00:14:16,137 Ow! It's not a real city. 372 00:14:16,172 --> 00:14:18,273 Homer, I don't feel so good. 373 00:14:24,013 --> 00:14:25,213 Hey, buddy. 374 00:14:25,248 --> 00:14:26,347 Whatcha doing? 375 00:14:26,383 --> 00:14:28,216 Checking the weather. 376 00:14:28,251 --> 00:14:29,384 Gray and cloudy. 377 00:14:29,419 --> 00:14:31,152 Refresh. 378 00:14:31,187 --> 00:14:32,420 Gray and cloudy. 379 00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:33,988 Refresh. 380 00:14:33,989 --> 00:14:38,427 You know how some people think you're something called bipolar? 381 00:14:38,428 --> 00:14:42,163 Not me. But this might be the other pole. 382 00:14:42,198 --> 00:14:45,066 I think I'm gonna stop brushing my teeth. 383 00:14:46,369 --> 00:14:48,202 This is the FBI! 384 00:14:48,238 --> 00:14:49,288 We have a warrant. 385 00:14:53,076 --> 00:14:54,409 Why is the FBI here? 386 00:14:54,444 --> 00:14:57,412 Uh, because I stole money from the cracker company 387 00:14:57,447 --> 00:14:59,180 to fund the Aqua Rocket, 388 00:14:59,215 --> 00:15:03,051 and now we're being investigated by the SEC. 389 00:15:03,086 --> 00:15:05,320 [gasps] The Salty Edibles Commission? 390 00:15:05,355 --> 00:15:07,322 No, no, no, no! 391 00:15:07,357 --> 00:15:10,325 Mm, my hand smells like cheese. 392 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,327 [Marge] What the hell is happening? 393 00:15:12,362 --> 00:15:15,012 Well, Kirk has been stealing money from the company 394 00:15:15,013 --> 00:15:17,433 to fund an underwater super boat that doesn't exist. 395 00:15:17,434 --> 00:15:19,434 Well, everyone is terrified. 396 00:15:19,469 --> 00:15:21,336 As soon as the FBI came in, 397 00:15:21,371 --> 00:15:23,237 Bart ran upstairs. 398 00:15:23,273 --> 00:15:25,306 Not the feds, not the feds. 399 00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:31,045 You know how I was warning you about how Kirk was bipolar? 400 00:15:31,081 --> 00:15:33,247 I was the one- Y-You didn't- 401 00:15:33,248 --> 00:15:34,316 Oh! 402 00:15:34,317 --> 00:15:36,117 It's okay, it's okay. 403 00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:37,285 I forgive you. 404 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,420 I have a plan to make everything right. 405 00:15:39,456 --> 00:15:41,356 What could you possibly do? 406 00:15:41,391 --> 00:15:44,025 I've got to take the fall for Kirk's crimes. 407 00:15:44,060 --> 00:15:46,427 Our family's in ruins! 408 00:15:46,463 --> 00:15:49,030 No, no. Look, if Kirk goes to jail, 409 00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:50,432 the cracker company is worthless. 410 00:15:50,433 --> 00:15:52,100 But if I confess, 411 00:15:52,135 --> 00:15:54,435 our shares in the business will make us rich. 412 00:15:54,471 --> 00:15:56,404 No amount of money can fix this. 413 00:15:56,439 --> 00:15:58,272 Not even this much? 414 00:15:58,273 --> 00:15:59,341 Not even- 415 00:15:59,342 --> 00:16:00,392 [gasps] 416 00:16:00,410 --> 00:16:03,111 I-I-I still don't think you should do it. 417 00:16:03,146 --> 00:16:05,279 Oh, there's another zero. 418 00:16:05,315 --> 00:16:06,381 It doesn't matter. 419 00:16:06,416 --> 00:16:09,417 Promise me you won't take the fall for Kirk. 420 00:16:09,452 --> 00:16:11,352 Okay, I promise. 421 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,921 I'll think of another way. 422 00:16:14,991 --> 00:16:16,041 Dearest Marge, 423 00:16:16,042 --> 00:16:17,426 I couldn't think of another way. 424 00:16:17,427 --> 00:16:18,460 [gasps loudly] 425 00:16:18,461 --> 00:16:20,194 Please try not to gasp. 426 00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:21,295 I'll be okay. 427 00:16:21,296 --> 00:16:23,165 They'll send me to a white-collar prison 428 00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:26,367 that probably has lots of DVs in their DVD library. 429 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:29,437 Kiss Lisa and Maggie and strangle the boy for me. 430 00:16:29,472 --> 00:16:31,105 Love, Homer. 431 00:16:31,106 --> 00:16:32,341 [the tune of "Everybody Hurts" playing] 432 00:16:32,342 --> 00:16:36,010 ? When your day is long ? 433 00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:39,013 ? And at night ? 434 00:16:40,183 --> 00:16:43,384 ? At night you snack alone ? 435 00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:51,459 ? When you're sure your hunger's gone ? 436 00:16:53,196 --> 00:16:55,129 ? For this life ? 437 00:16:56,466 --> 00:16:59,367 ? Well, pang on ? 438 00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:07,108 ? Don't let yourself choke ? 439 00:17:10,413 --> 00:17:15,049 ? Just because your mouth is dry ? 440 00:17:18,421 --> 00:17:22,957 ? Everybody Kirks ? 441 00:17:24,027 --> 00:17:27,128 ? Crumb-times ? 442 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,401 ? Well, everybody Kirks ? 443 00:17:35,338 --> 00:17:37,338 ? Crumb-times ? 444 00:17:37,373 --> 00:17:41,943 ? When crackers taste like lies ? 445 00:17:46,015 --> 00:17:50,351 ? Everybody Kirks ? 446 00:17:50,386 --> 00:17:53,321 ? So munch on ? 447 00:17:54,357 --> 00:17:57,191 ? Munch on ? 448 00:17:57,227 --> 00:18:01,996 ? Everybody Kirks. ? 449 00:18:03,133 --> 00:18:04,398 Munch on, Kirk. 450 00:18:07,203 --> 00:18:09,337 I need to talk to your husband now. 451 00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:10,372 Oh, look. 452 00:18:10,373 --> 00:18:12,340 Kitty needs her ball of yarn. 453 00:18:12,375 --> 00:18:15,209 I see you wore your sluttiest dress. 454 00:18:15,245 --> 00:18:17,178 Whatever. Where is he? 455 00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:22,050 Oh, Kirk, I know you're not to blame for this depression, 456 00:18:22,051 --> 00:18:23,101 and I'm sorry. 457 00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:25,052 [groaning] 458 00:18:25,053 --> 00:18:26,088 But Homer is- 459 00:18:26,089 --> 00:18:28,022 Stop eating turkey! 460 00:18:28,057 --> 00:18:29,223 Bleh. 461 00:18:29,259 --> 00:18:31,058 Wake up! 462 00:18:31,094 --> 00:18:33,227 [howling] 463 00:18:33,263 --> 00:18:37,064 Kirk, you're only supposed to use the pool shower. 464 00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:38,266 Sad, Marge. 465 00:18:38,301 --> 00:18:40,201 Just sad. 466 00:18:40,236 --> 00:18:44,038 Homer is on his way to confess to your crimes. 467 00:18:44,073 --> 00:18:46,440 You have to go to the FBI and tell them the truth. 468 00:18:46,476 --> 00:18:49,210 My house is crying on me. 469 00:18:49,245 --> 00:18:51,279 Dr. Hibbert gave me your pills. 470 00:18:51,314 --> 00:18:53,381 God love him, but he's so unethical. 471 00:18:53,416 --> 00:18:56,217 If you take these, you'll feel better. 472 00:18:56,252 --> 00:18:58,953 But no one likes me when I'm regular Kirk. 473 00:18:58,954 --> 00:19:00,389 When I stopped taking my meds, 474 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,290 everyone liked me. 475 00:19:02,325 --> 00:19:04,926 I didn't. But if you ever cared 476 00:19:04,961 --> 00:19:06,961 about your friendship with Homer, 477 00:19:06,996 --> 00:19:08,196 take this. 478 00:19:09,999 --> 00:19:12,033 [grunting, gulps] 479 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,168 Homer's been gone for so long. 480 00:19:14,169 --> 00:19:16,405 There's no time to catch up to him before he confesses 481 00:19:16,406 --> 00:19:18,406 and my family is destroyed. 482 00:19:18,441 --> 00:19:20,408 Whoa. Yes, there is. 483 00:19:20,443 --> 00:19:22,343 The-the Aqua Rocket. 484 00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:25,046 There is no Aqua Rocket. 485 00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:28,950 It only exists in your manic, psychotic mind. 486 00:19:28,985 --> 00:19:30,151 ? ? 487 00:19:30,186 --> 00:19:32,186 Aah! 488 00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:40,995 This is incredible. 489 00:19:41,030 --> 00:19:43,030 Oh, I couldn't even get the color right. 490 00:19:43,031 --> 00:19:44,433 The missiles don't even work. 491 00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:46,267 I'm so stupid. 492 00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:54,976 Is this what being manic feels like? 493 00:19:54,977 --> 00:19:56,011 Yeah. 494 00:19:56,012 --> 00:19:58,446 Now I get it. 495 00:20:01,351 --> 00:20:03,150 Aqua Rocket?! 496 00:20:06,189 --> 00:20:08,155 But I can't let you go to jail. 497 00:20:08,191 --> 00:20:09,357 The world needs you. 498 00:20:09,392 --> 00:20:11,092 I need you. 499 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,327 The person you need is manic Kirk. 500 00:20:13,363 --> 00:20:15,162 And he's gone. 501 00:20:15,198 --> 00:20:17,064 But we were going to walk down 502 00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:19,166 the unknown road together. 503 00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:20,235 Hey, hey. 504 00:20:20,236 --> 00:20:23,204 We'll always have CrackerCon Cleveland. 505 00:20:27,277 --> 00:20:29,343 Kirk, never forget- 506 00:20:29,379 --> 00:20:32,413 you are the best dude. 507 00:20:40,919 --> 00:20:43,392 ["Superman" by R.E.M. playing] 508 00:20:43,393 --> 00:20:45,226 -? I am ? -? I am ? 509 00:20:45,261 --> 00:20:48,229 ? I am Superman ? 510 00:20:48,264 --> 00:20:52,099 ? And I know what's happening. ? 511 00:20:55,704 --> 00:20:58,906 ? If you go a million miles away ? 512 00:20:58,941 --> 00:21:02,777 ? I'll track you down, girl ? 513 00:21:02,812 --> 00:21:05,980 ? Trust me when I say I know ? 514 00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:09,183 ? The pathway to your heart ? 515 00:21:09,218 --> 00:21:11,152 ? I am ? 516 00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:14,121 ? I am Superman ? 517 00:21:14,157 --> 00:21:17,224 ? And I know what's happening ? 518 00:21:19,095 --> 00:21:21,762 -? I am ? -? I am ? 519 00:21:21,798 --> 00:21:24,765 ? I am Superman ? 520 00:21:24,801 --> 00:21:27,868 ? And I can't do anything. ? 521 00:21:27,869 --> 00:21:30,038 Captioning sponsored by